Where Are You in Your Suicide Grief Journey?

So where are you in your grieving process? How will you know when you “get there?” Are you grieving “normally” or “the right way?” Is your grief like that of other survivors? Why does it get better, only to get worse again? Will you ever get over this?

In her best-selling 1969 book, “On Death and Dying,” Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified 5 stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – that many people have since adopted as their own signposts for the grieving process. Rather than a set number of stages or steps, however, most suicide survivors can tell you that there is nothing orderly or linear about their suicide grief.

There are hallmarks of suicide grief that are almost universal, but each loss is different just as each person who died and each relationship is different. People differ in their ability to cope due to such factors as other losses they may have experienced, what coping skills they have, and what their attitudes and beliefs about suicide are. Suicide grief ebbs and flows in both predictable and unpredictable ways. Let’s explore some of the ways in which it can present itself to the suicide survivor.

Acute Grief
Acute grief comes in an instant, the moment that a suicide survivor learns that their loved one, family member, or friend has taken their own life. They might find out by being told by another, or they may have even been the one to find them. That moment is life-changing and it will never be forgotten. Following that event, there may be earth-shattering grief or there may be an all-encompassing numbing of your emotions. Each survivor is different, but the reaction to this loss will probably be profound and overwhelming. Acute grief will normally transition into a more manageable, less obvious, but equally as distressing state. Early in the throes of grief, it may be difficult for people to think through problems, tend to their own self-care such as eating or sleeping, and to engage with others in social situations. These reactions are entirely normal and even though they may be alarming to experience, they will fade in time. In this initial, acute grief, it is important that the survivor have friends and family in their lives who will help them even with the basics of daily life if needed. In this state, it is hoped that the person will not hesitate to ask for help. There may be many people in their lives that wish to help but may not know how. It’s important to give them the opportunity to let them show how much they care!

Ongoing, Progressing Grief
Over weeks and months, the ability to think and make decisions, the appetite for food, the ability to sleep, and engagement in social connections will gradually improve. The survivor’s thoughts will still be occupied with the loss of their loved one, but memories of pleasant times with the person whom they lost will begin to come to mind. During this gradual lessening of acute grief, it is a good time to connect with other survivors of suicide for listening and support. Hearing other’s stories and being able to tell one’s own story are important. “Telling the story,” whether it be about the day the person died, the events leading up to the suicide, or the feelings experienced since then, is a very beneficial way to process not only the timeline of events but the emotions associated with them. It’s not surprising to find that a survivor may find the need to tell the story more than once, or even more often in the beginning. It is important, though, is to find a safe place in which to share that story. Whether at a support group, with a close friend, or in a counselor’s office, the ability to be heard and accepted in a non-judgmental, confidential environment are paramount.

The search for meaning following a suicide death is common. Exploring the different elements that may have caused that person to take their own life can take up a significant portion of the survivor’s thoughts. “Why did they do this?” “Did they mean to hurt me?” “Why couldn’t they have asked me for help?
All of those questions and many more may occupy a survivor’s thoughts in those early months and for some time to come. It’s natural to search for answers but important to realize that not every question may ever be answered. Making peace with the unanswered “whys” is a necessary step in healing.

As grief and mourning progress over weeks and months, it may also be a period for growth and learning. Some survivors find a need to learn more about suicide in general and specifically, suicide prevention. They often become involved in those efforts as a way to pay tribute to the loved one that they’ve lost, or in an effort to help others avoid the pain they’ve experienced.

It may be a time of renewing relationships or finding new activities to fill the void left by the passing of their loved one. One widow told me that after she lost her husband to suicide, she purchased a bike and began exploring the bike trails. She found that the physical activity coupled with the introspection and quiet time it afforded her were very healing. A father who lost a son to suicide told me that he was more aware of strengthening relationships with his other children and regularly met up with one of his sons for games of backgammon and cribbage over coffee at a local coffee house. Another person who had experienced suicide loss joined a club and found it helpful to be in a group with a focus that was not at all connected to their suicide loss or suicide prevention. It’s important that survivors not feel guilty about pursuing activities that will enrich their own lives because someone close to them has died by suicide.

Compound Grief

For some survivors, the suicide loss they’ve experienced is not the only loss they’ve had or maybe even the only suicide loss. For those that have lost multiple significant relationships, especially within a short time frame, healing after a suicide loss can be especially daunting. Some have found that the grieving and mourning for one person may get put “on hold” while the need to mourn someone else may arise. It’s not uncommon to feel as if the losses just won’t stop coming and that it’s overwhelming! When grief is complicated by multiple losses, it’s especially important to practice healthy self-care and reach out for help when necessary. Survivors in the midst of multiple losses or who have an extensive loss history may find the services of an experienced mental health counselor to be therapeutic.

Complicated Grief

Many other factors may affect someone’s ability to heal following a suicide loss. A survivor with their own mental illness, mood disorder, or chemical dependency may have an especially hard time dealing with the loss of a loved one. In these cases, it is absolutely necessary that they seek the help of trained mental health professionals or addiction counselors.

Prolonged Grief

Being “stuck” can be a way to describe someone who has seemingly become fixed at a place in their grief journey from which they feel unable to move on. If a survivor looks back on their feelings and behaviors at monthly intervals over time and does not see a lessening of their intense sadness or the ability to resume activities in their life, they may be “stuck.”  Aside from those in newly-experienced, acute grief, there should be at least a little change in the amount of improvement from each interval of time to the next. If it feels that no noticeable progress has been made, it may be time to consult with a mental health counselor who specializes in grief issues.

Integrated Grief

The survivor who has integrated their loss into their life knows that the grief has not left their life forever. Not only will they never forget the person they have lost, their longing for them will probably be a life-long emotion. However, this survivor can speak freely about their loved one and share memories even though it may bring a tear to their eye. These survivors model hope and healing for others who are new to their losses and show them the way through the wilderness of suicide grief. They know that they will experience pangs of grief in their lives on special days or when they are reminded of their loved one in the face of a stranger. Though they will always be affected by this loss, they will be able to move forward and live a life with purpose.

To learn more about how suicide grief affects a survivor’s life and how to find resources for your own grief journey, please visit the Helpline website at www.helplinecenter.org and choose “Suicide Prevention & Crisis Support.”