A Unique Way for Families to Come Together Following a Suicide

Suicide grief is hard. Grieving a suicide within a family can be extremely difficult, this occurs because family members are often in different places in their grief on any given day. A moment when one family member wants to talk or needs support might be a moment when another member is having an especially good day. “I was struggling, but it looked like mom was having a good day and I didn’t want to upset her, so I didn’t talk to her about it.” This can be an example of something that a young person might think about if they would like to talk to their parent. The opposite can be true as well – a mom might hold back her tears so that she doesn’t upset her child. If someone is having a “down” day, the other family members may also be hesitant to intensify that feeling and make the day even more difficult for that person.

The concept of a BRB Box (an acronym for Be Right Back) is meant to provide a “holding place” for things that absolutely should be discussed yet provides a safe space for them to be temporarily set aside. Then when members of the family are ready, they can gather to engage in discussion of each other’s thoughts, memories, and concerns. Instead of family members holding back the memory or emotion they might be feeling, they are encouraged to put into words their own grief response. The family members then agree to a scheduled time to share what has been written and spend time discussing their memories and their grief. This activity helps family members talk about their grief in a safe and structured way, when all family members are anticipating what is to come and are open to a discussion of the family member loss to suicide.

A box is decorated to represent the loved one lost to suicide. It may contain photos, linking objects, mementos, letters, or whatever the family members want to incorporate. Small sheets of paper and pens are left nearby so that they can write down the emotions they are feeling in that moment and put them in the box. The notes can be questions they want to ask other family members, memories, or any emotions they need to express. They might also write down struggles they are having during that time because of the loss.

The family should agree upon a designated time and place to read through the BRB notes (for example, every Sunday at 5:00 p.m.) It is important to encourage the family to set ground rules for this time (for example, creating a safe environment where things can be shared, respecting others, allowing for intense emotions without minimizing or attempting to fix, etc.) This method of communicating loss within a family is helpful because it allows them to be intentional about working through the grieving process together in a safe environment.

It can feel less overwhelming to go through the BRB activity if you know it will only be for 15-30 minutes. It’s important to designate a time constraint prior to beginning. The notes that were not read can remain in the box until the next time. The family can decide how they read the notes (one family member is the designated reader, or they take turns reading them aloud.) After each letter is read, allowing for a time of discussion is important. Has anyone else felt this way? What does this memory mean to everyone else? Is there anything else you would like to say about what you wrote? Is there any way that I can help or support you? Can you please help me by ___?

After completing the BRB activity, it can be helpful for families to schedule a connecting or fun activity (for example, playing a game together or watching a movie together, going for walk, etc.)