Seeking Online Suicide Grief Support

Today a wide range of websites, forums, Facebook pages, and the like exist for survivors. While they may be of tremendous value to those who are seeking to connect with other survivors, there are also some factors that need to be considered when going online to find support.

Some positive aspects of online grief support may include:

• Access is convenient and you can reach out for support from any device, at any time. Chances are, someone somewhere is online at the same time as you, even when everyone physically around you may be unavailable.

• It can be an anonymous outlet for expressing your feelings and opinions. It can be hard to openly talk about your feelings with family and friends, especially in communities where it seems like “everyone knows everyone.” You may want the freedom to voice your true feelings online with a group of people who might not know you in person but who have all experienced a loss by suicide. Talking about your feelings is an important part of the healing process, and online forums can be a good avenue for that.

• Sites dedicated to specifically to suicide can be a great source of empathy and support for the unique grief that comes with surviving a suicide. People most capable of empathy are those who are going through the same thing and can therefore understand you best; they often know what helps and what can provide emotional support when you need it most. Even people closest to you can be incapable of understanding the depth of your pain, but it’s very good to find those who know and understand what you’ve experienced.

• This may be a safe way to express your grievances about friends and family members who may have responded to you in hurtful ways, no matter how unintentional. While you might not wish to confront them with all of the other feelings you’re dealing with, talking about this and sharing your emotions with a group is a great way of getting it off your chest.

• The internet allows access to a huge amount of information and may be a great way to educate yourself on suicide and grief issues. There is so much to learn about grief, especially suicide grief. Teaching websites with valid information can help you understand what to expect and it may help you to normalize your grief in such a way that you no longer feel isolated or set apart from others. Understanding why you’re feeling what you’re feeling can go a long way in being able to tolerate it.

Drawbacks of online grief support may be:

• Trolling  is nothing new in the online world, and grief sites are not immune to this. The hazard here is that you are emotionally fragile already when you visit the site and you don’t need to be further hurt by being bullied, treated with disrespect, or victimized in any other way.

• Information provided may be unreliable and even harmful. “It must be true – I read it on the internet” is a popular humorous meme, but point out the reality that sometimes it’s the wild, wild, west out there and others who may be misinformed may have the loudest voices.

• Watching the suffering of others  can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can be helpful to see that you are not alone and that there are others who are going through the similar experiences. On the other hand, it can be painful to see others suffer. If you spend too much time on suicide grief sites alone, it may begin to seem as if the whole world is in mourning and there is nothing but suicide loss all around you. Instead of finding a way out, you might get dragged even deeper in.

• It can be hard to develop close personal friendships because other survivors you meet may be geographically widespread. Online survivors come from all over the place and it might be difficult to find someone who would live near enough to meet, if that’s what you truly wish to do.

• You should avoid adopting a new identity as a griever . While many people post about experiences that helped them deal with their grief, there are also those who end up developing and building their new identity based on grieving. Some people reject all attempts of help that could lead to transformation of their pain and instead adopt grief as a lifestyle.

Some tips on dealing with the downside:
• Resist the temptation to argue and avoid power-plays. You are not there to get hurt or to hurt others. You are there to give and receive help. If anyone makes that hard for you, simply block them and do not engage in clashes that lead nowhere and can only make everyone feel uncomfortable. Don’t get mired down in negativity.

• When considering advice found online, be sure and ask yourself, “Who is saying this, who do they represent, and what do they base their statements upon?” Trust your gut – once again, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is. Give more weight to evidence-based suggestions and less weight to individual advice that seems to contradict conventional wisdom.

• It can be hard to develop close personal friendships,  but this is not necessarily a bad thing. Especially in the initial stages of suicide grief, you might be too wounded and weak to be able to expend the energy forming a new friendship may require. Getting involved but keeping people at arm’s length might be the best way to move forward until you’re ready for more involvement.

• Developing the identity of a griever is not uncommon in cases of complicated grief. Complicated grief can happen when a problem isn’t just suicide loss, for instance, but also unresolved issues in the relationship with the deceased that it may be now difficult to repair. You might feel guilty and unable to forgive yourself for what you think you did wrong or feel anger because the person who died left you. If this is going on for years with no improvement, counseling is probably a good idea. Try to understand that staying in this state indefinitely and using a support group to build your new identity around your grief can have a negative effect on your mental health and close relationships.

The Helpline Center neither endorses nor discourages any specific online grief sites. This article is solely for the purpose of helping survivors balance their options when exploring a different type of support alternative.