A Survivor’s Story

A member of our survivor community, Kaya Moninger, shares how the suicide of her father has changed her life. Kaya found Helpline soon after her father’s death on August 18, 2017.

What was your dad like?
My dad was a very hard worker and so he was always working. I suppose when you have a wife and four kids, you work all day and night to support them so they don’t ever go without. I know he tried to be a good dad, but I know he was stressed most of the time. I always tried to make him proud, even though he never really said it. Our relationship wasn’t the best, but I was trying to make it better. Then he took his life and mine fell apart.

What emotions surprised you the most?
Well, at first it was a total shock. My (maternal) grandfather had died 10 days prior to that and the family was mourning his loss. I was still grieving for my grandfather and then my dad died, which was so complicated. I tried to stay away from any feelings of anger about my dad taking his own life. He was dead, so I put him on a pedestal. Later, I had to deal with the anger that his suicide had caused for me.

How did you find Helpline Center, and what led you here?
I wasn’t actually looking for resources for myself. I tend to be the “fixer” in the family and was online looking for help for my mother and for my three brothers. Different members of the family did not want to admit that Dad had killed himself because that might mean that he was mentally ill. As I looked for information and support for my family, I came to realize that there were things that could help me, too.
I attended the 10-week class and was able to work through my grief; figuring out how to sort through all of my emotions and how to put things in perspective and in order. I was really nervous at first and there were class times that I didn’t want to go, but I am glad that I did. It made me a stronger person.
I also like the monthly support groups. The people there are like family and I know I can open up without feeling ashamed. There are long-term survivors who attend support group who have been so helpful to me and have supported me. I like my new family.
Even calling 211 has been helpful. I called one day when I knew I couldn’t handle my grief alone anymore and they directed me to a therapist that I still see monthly. This experience has changed me and I wouldn’t have been able to survive it if it wasn’t for the Helpline Center.

Have you made peace with the “why”?
It depends on the day. Some days it’s easier than others. I’m still working on that.

Approaching two years since your dad’s suicide, what has changed for you?
I’ve stopped trying to fix things for everyone else as much as I did. I’m taking more time for me and not really worrying about everyone else.

What things do you hope for in the future?
I want to break the stigma of mental illness and talk about it to the point that my nieces and nephews don’t have to stay quiet about it if they have struggles. Now that all the firsts have passed, I hope to be the friend that someone new is going to need.

Kaya and her father, Doug