Holiday Coping Guide

Holidays can be some of the most difficult times we navigate after a loss. They are usually very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a brief moment of laughter. Remember, too, that sometimes anticipation of a holiday can be more difficult than the day itself. Family and togetherness are key themes for the holidays. That can make the holidays awfully difficult for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. “If the grief is fresh, holiday cheer can seem like an affront. Celebrations may underscore how alone people feel,” notes Dr. Michael Miller, editor of the Harvard Mental Health Letter.

It’s important to acknowledge that the holidays will be different and they might be tough. Put some intention behind what feels natural and healing to you at this point in your suicide grief when deciding what your holidays will look like. And while it’s always important to consider others’ feelings, be open and honest with your own. Don’t unnecessarily “take one for the team.” Pretending you don’t hurt and or it is not a harder time of the year may not be the truth for you. Listening to people who tell you what you should do and how you should feel is not helpful.

Here are some Christmas-specific tips on typical aspects of holiday traditions:

Music: By all means, play your loved one’s favorite Christmas carols if it is not too painful to do so, but if a certain song is a “trigger” for overwhelming grief, you may want to avoid that one for now.
Christmas Cards: Don’t send holiday cards if it is too sad or overwhelming. Send cards if you can’t imagine not doing so and you enjoy doing it. If you want to send cards but just can’t fathom a family photo without your loved one, use a photo of a holiday past. It’s totally up to you, and it’s ok to let close friends know in your greeting how things are going.

Meals: Make your loved one’s favorite dish and share with everyone present that you made it and some of the memories surrounding it. If that’s too painful or if you just don’t have the energy to cook, order dinner in (which may actually be less expensive than buying all the ingredients) or accept an invitation to dinner elsewhere. If cooking is therapeutic to you, do it. If the empty spot at the table is upsetting, set a plate in memory of the person you’ve lost. If you are unable to do that, consider inviting someone who will be alone to take that spot. If possible, invite your lost loved one to the table – include stories and memories of their life and what they meant to you, especially the humorous and endearing memories. Have a moment of silence during your holiday prayer or toast in memory of your loved one.

Location, Location, Location: Is it just too hard to celebrate Christmas in the traditional way in the traditional place? It’s ok to consider going somewhere else or doing something else than you have traditionally done. Again, what’s important is to come to compromise or consensus about where you will go and who you will see. Be mindful that there are “costs” associated with every decision. Going on a trip may be just the thing for your family to cope with the holidays. But even if that’s a good fit for your family, you all may have a twinge or two about not being at home like you always have done. It is essential that you be realistic about your expectations and to decide on a plan as a family.

Gifts and Giving: A frequent contradiction about grief is that those that have lost the most may be the ones who, in turn, give the most. Make a donation to a charity that was special to your loved one in their name. Buy a gift you wanted to give your loved one and donate it to your local charity. If you are able, adopt a family in memory of your loved one. Call the Helpline to find out about opportunities to give. Pick out a few special items of your loved one’s and give them to friends and family to whom it will be meaningful. If you have been having a hard time parting with your loved one’s clothing, use the holidays as an opportunity to donate some items to a homeless shelter or other charity.

Decorating: Let your perfectionism go. If you always have the perfect tree, perfectly wrapped gifts, and perfect table, accept that this year may not be perfect and that is okay. Decorate your home to the extent that you feel like it. Don’t be afraid to ask others for help. Skip (or minimize) the decorations if they are too much this year.

Incorporate your loved one’s memory into the decorations. Put out a photo table with photos of your loved one at holiday celebrations in the past. Put out their stocking or wrap a gift box to them in which family members can write down memories you treasure and pick a time to read them together. Light a special candle in your home in memory of the person you’ve lost. Make a memorial ornament, wreath, or other decoration in honor of your loved one. If possible, visit your love one’s grave and decorate with an outdoor wreath, a poinsettia plant or meaningful holiday items that are allowed in the cemetery.

Talk to kids about the holidays – it can be confusing for kids that the holidays can be both happy and sad after a death. Let them know it is okay to enjoy the holiday, and it is okay to be sad. Pull out old photo albums and spend some time on the holiday looking at photos. Support kids by doing a memorial grief activity together. Making a Christmas card for someone that they have lost will let them express their feelings. Allow them to write or draw anything they are feeling.

Christmas is a time for kindness. Be kind to yourself, especially. Psychologist Jordan Peterson advises, “Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.” We tend to be far more forgiving and benevolent to others in grief than we are to ourselves. Simply put, give yourself a ‘hall pass’ if there are things that we simply do not have the mindset or energy to accomplish. If ordering a gift online rather than going to the mall is easier but a few dollars more, realize that you are spending a few dollars on taking care of yourself.

Here are some other ways to take care of yourself:

• Watch the food. Food can make us feel better in the short term (darn dopamine!) until we feel lousy after we eat that whole tin of holiday cookies. Don’t deprive yourself, but be careful that you don’t let food become your holiday comfort.
• Also, watch the liquor. Alcohol can become a fast friend when you are grieving. If that holiday party is getting to be a bit much, it might be better to go home instead of staying, if staying means drinking.
• Go to a support group. Sometimes it is helpful to talk with others who are struggling. The Helpline grief support group meets the first Thursday of every month from 7:00 p.m. until about 8:30 p.m. We will meet here at the Helpline Center on Thursday, December 6th and after New Years on Thursday, January 3rd. On January 8th, our next “Surviving After Suicide” 10-week class will begin. 
• Carve out quiet time for yourself. Holidays get hectic and it’s important to have calming activities such as meditation, mindfulness practices, music to listen to, or journal to write about your feelings.
• Prioritize and don’t get trapped in holiday overload. When the holidays are filled with so many parties, dinners, and events, save your energy for those that are most important. Look at everything you have to do and rank them in order of importance. Plan for the most important and skip the rest.
• Make a list and check it twice. It’s nothing about naughty or nice – it’s that grief makes it harder for us to concentrate and remember things. When you have a lot going on at the holidays, make a list even if you aren’t usually a list-maker and write things on the calendar to help keep it all straight.
• Remember that crying is ok. The holidays are everywhere and you never know what will trigger a bout of tears, or where. Read the article in this newsletter about tears!
• Enjoy yourself! The holidays will be tough, but there will also be love and joy. Remember, it is okay to be happy – this doesn’t diminish how much you love and miss the person who isn’t there this holiday.

Keep in mind that the holidays can be stressful for most people. If you are struggling during the holidays, do not hesitate to reach out for help and support from family and friends. As always, the Helpline Center is always just a call away for listening and support and we’re always here for you if you need us.